I met someone last weekend who doesn't smoke, doesn't drink, doesn’t have a TV but who was - surprisingly, despite all that - interesting. He avoided distractions as much as possible, he said. Distractions like Big Brother and hangovers. It kind of added an extra dimension to my ramblings about Bad Things the other week, since what I suppose I was talking about there, when I said "things that are bad for us" was actually, "things that stop us from doing what we could be doing instead" - like writing that best selling novel, finding a sustainable solution to the Middle East Problem, or plotting the downfall of the current US Administration (which might, indeed, be one of things that would help solve the Middle East Problem).

Two big distractions that should come with public health warnings: Big Brother and Gaydar - which are weirdly connected in some way, both consisting mainly of freaks who are far more interesting (though, rarely that interesting) on the screen than in real life. Big Brother I’ll come to next week, so let’s turn our attention, with lowered eyes, to the bizarre world of Gaydar.

For the uninitiated, Gaydar is a “gay dating” website – well – an on-line cruising site from homos across the world. It’s one big dark warehouse of a place, where the off spotlight flashes across a penis here, a geek there, all lurking around in the depths of cyberspace, scrabbling around in infinity, hoping for a bit or bite – or two bites. Some say they are looking for friends, some say they want only friendship, the truth is of course, 99 per-cent of those who stray into Gaydar’s dark room are really mainly after one thing – it has the tag line “what you want, when you want it” and that doesn’t mean a conveniently timed trip to Asda.

The best thing, the most entertaining thing, about Gaydar, are the different tribes of people you gat floating around in there, all pinging off one another in search of tonight’s fix or fantasy. Let’s look…

Ah yes… First off, we’ve got your Hardcore Gaydar-er. See the stark, rather vomit inducing photo of their cock and arse crack? Not much said about them, a few words about what they like maybe, “fit blokes, not fats or femmes.” Bless ‘em. At least they’re honest, which is more than can be said for most of the others on there. Don’t be confused by those with a profile similar, initially, in appearance to these ones. The cock and arse photos are there, but scroll down and see what they write about themselves: “Not looking for one night stands.” Right. Yeah. Little hint, if you’re after something deeper than a quick shag, you might want to put a photo of something other than your genitals on show for all the world to see, like your face, or your auntie Ida.

In fact, don’t put your Auntie Ida on, as this will place you in an entirely other weird group of people who lurk on Gaydar. Those who seem to think it’s a opportunity to show how popular and “well-familied” they are. Why would you ever dream of putting a photo of “me and my sister at Butlins last year having a right laugh”? Does your sister know there’s a photo of her lurking in cyberspace, next to a photo of you half naked trying desperately to stare dreamily into a camera, and above a list of things you like doing in the bedroom which include fisting and brown (if you don’t know – trust me – you don’t want to).

Who else have we got out there tonight? Oh yeah. Bless ‘em. “Looking for Mr Right.” Ah. Dear Mancboi… Read my lips. He doesn’t exist.

Mr Right Guy is a close relative of the DVD and a bottle of wine guy, owner of the classic profile which has a few photos of him in soft lightening and that immortal line, “I like wild nights out, but also enjoy staying in and cuddling up with a DVD and a bottle of wine.” Why? Couldn’t you find anything else to cuddle? Oh, I see not.

Then... oh then… (and this is a great one to get SD onto if you want a laugh)… there’s the “I’m actually too good to be on here amongst you sex loving scum.” “Gaydar is awful!” they proclaim. “Everyone is just after sex.” Yes. That’s right, That’s why you’re here too, twatt face, so stop pretending you only came in here because the server on Out is down (the thinking (read dull and hypocritical) man’s gay website.)

There are the TVs of course. Sallyanne, who has decided that looking like a hoar in an Amsterdam retirement home is the best way of attracting men. And there are the disco bunnies, who really should be doing their homework. And the no hopers whoa re just… well… hopeless. I mean, why put a photo of yourself on there if it only scares people? And the one’s with scary eyes who are obviously physco’s in waiting. And those who like to list every single facet about themselves and the people they are interested, and then list all the things they don’t like as well in case you can actually be arsed to read what they’ve written. And of course here are the odd, charming, hilarious and cynical fucks like.. well me…. on there. Cough cough.

But yet, annoyingly, it’s fucking addictive. You can spend hours on there, clicking through profiles, marvelling hat in back bedrooms and badly decorated lounges across the world, middle aged men are still referring to themselves as “lads” or worse – “boi”. Since when… Oh I can’t even be bothered.

Now… who’s this… Ummm… “Deepsuck” who describes himself as “Just a normal guy”. Oh dear. Now where's that book on Astrophysics I've been meaning to read...